how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
