I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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