he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
