I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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