Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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