high people should be assigned attendants
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
