I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
