Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
