Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
