i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
50% drunk capacity currently
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
