i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
