why didn't you poke me back
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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