And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
So many bounce houses so little time
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You have to summon your inner elephant
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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