Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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