i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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