so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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