Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
