i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
she looked like the before picture.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
