What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
