cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize