I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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