Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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