i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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