i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
