Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Holy shit dude........stairs
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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