Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
