I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
