I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
