3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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