I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
