Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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