the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
