Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
