I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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