Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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