that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize
