i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
