gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
