It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
