Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
