hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I bet he comes in French.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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