does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
