Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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