Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
