I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
