Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize