Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
