I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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