Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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