she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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