i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
