He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
