Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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