I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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