why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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