i wish my penis had a tongue
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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