I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
