i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
