seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
