she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize