Sorry, I don't speak sober.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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