if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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