Your mouth is God's brothel.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
