btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize