Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
